Same problem. Different age.

20Oct11

Today Ezra had a problem.

After spending some time in the basement building a bed and house for a few of his stuffed animals, he went upstairs to fetch some other supplies. While he was gone, Koen destroyed everything he had been diligently working on. Sad, angry and frustrated, he yelled at his brother and swatted him on the back. Which in turn made Koen angrier and he continued his destruction uninterrupted by Ezra’s pleas (screams) to stop.

Now the back story to this little event was that while building his creation, Ezra consistently excluded Koen from participating, relegating him to a simple assistant, with little control or ownership of the creation. This was Ezra’s work, not Koen’s, and I am pretty sure Koen knew and felt that every step of the way. In fact, that’s pretty much how it goes down in our house. Most days when Ezra is playing, or creating or doing whatever, he doesn’t include his brother. Sure sometimes they are side-by-side, or even playing together, but they are rarely working together. Ezra is in charge, controlling the situation and giving instructions. It is his rules and Koen’s job is to follow. Because of Koen’s personality, most of the time this is okay, and Ezra’s bossiness turns out to be more frustrating for me, than Koen himself!

But then, like today, there are those times when Koen will not take it anymore. And so he destroys, he breaks and he revolts.

I tried talking to Ezra about cooperation and sharing, but then switched gears and bluntly stated, “Koen feels no connection or ownership in that work, you exclude him, and so when you turn your back he breaks it. I’m not surprised.” Ezra gives me a blank stare, then goes on to tell me to leave him alone. He’s clearly in no mood for a rational discussion about the real problem we’re all facing here.

But I choose to continue, asking him, “Instead, what if you brought him in? What if you made him a part of the decision making? What if his ideas were incorporated into the work? What if you had to listen to him sometimes? What if you shifted the project from being about what you’re doing alone, to what you’re doing together?” No response from Ezra, minus some yelling, so I continue, “Do you think he might be less willing to break something that he helped build together with you, something that he feels a part of, rather than something he watched you build alone?”

I know for a fact (and I’m thinking you guessed this as well) that this message did not stick with Ezra. But I do know that I will try again. Think of the possibilities if I could teach him the value of including his brother in meaningful ways, so that they are working with each other rather than against each other. And could you imagine, what if I could teach him that what they are able to create together might be better and more fun than anything he could alone? Or if I could help him see that they each have different strengths and talents that could compliment and strengthen the other. Oh somebody get me a parenting award, because that would be radical.

Of course then there is the scary reality of how difficult this will be, given the fact that we as adults are equally as bad at this as children.

What if in our own problem solving, and community building, we practiced sharing power, developing collective leadership, valuing our differences and working together for the common good?

I’m thinking that if we could teach adults this, it would be even more radical than teaching our kids!

Filed under: Neeraj   |  5 Comments